Quantum Leech

Medicine has been fascinated with leeches for centuries, using them to thin the blood, remove clots and deal with hypertension. Now Potro Dhorma is bringing leeches into the world of Quantum Physics by seeing the world through the eyes of a leech.

“Leeches are incredible creatures. For something so seemingly fluid and unstructured, they’ve been designed very carefully. They are simple in structure, very simple, and it’s this simplicity that gives rise to perfect structures within the animal. The distance between the eyes is exact, correct to within nanometres in some species. This allows for precise measurements time taken between pulses of light reaching the sensors and subsequently the brain,” says Dhorma, “There are fifty receptors per eye, with a rigid, perfect alignment of each receptor, no lens to get in the way, so minimal processing power is required to interpret a signal.”

Building robots to accurately measure light pulsations is expensive and more complicated that one might think, he says, and operating on such a small scale means that often tolerances are exceeded.

“The experiments we are performing require very, very precise measurements. These can only come from very finely crafted sensors. It turns out those sensors are already being grown on our little friend here,” he says, holding up a leech for observation, “And we are not blessed with only one pair, but five.”

Asked whether there was a particular species of leech in use, Dhorma was quick to say that he could not identify it, given the secretive nature of his research. He did say, however, that he and his team are growing leeches in vats to genetically engineer a strain of perfect specimens.

“These critters will not be released into the wild. They are laboratory leeches only. Once we have perfected the strain, which, by our estimations based on convergence, should be within another fifteen generations, then we will be looking to patenting the creatures and selling them to the scientific community.”

When asked about how to use the leech, Dhorma demonstrated by dissecting one in front of us, attaching electrodes to the optic nerves, and hooking it up to a computer. He then showed how he can measure the time taken for photon interaction between the two sensors, and how they measure up against standard laboratory equipment.

“See, this sensor array here costs around two hundred dollars, it’s cumbersome to calibrate and it’s fragile. This leech would cost – including growing, harvesting, distributing and connecting – about five dollars when you add it all up. The results, even at this early stage, are almost identical,” he says proudly.

He says the working time of the eyes is around twenty four to forty eight hours after ‘harvest’, after which the results decline rapidly. The rate of decline is predictable and scientists could work around the shortfall.

“Of course, we could look at a solution whereby the leech is kept alive but immobile, perhaps with a kind of paralysis toxin. This would be ideal and an even more cost effective option.”ChesterLogoSmall

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I <3 TV

Eating endorphin inspiring foods – such as chocolate – while performing similarly stimulating activities – such as watching television – leads to a ‘confused relationship with one’s environment’, says Doctor Christine Richwell of Montmorency Social Research Institute.

Monitoring the brain and hormone activity of subjects, Doctor Richwell demonstrated that those who consumed chocolate while watching television, playing on a game console or interacting with a mobile device exhibited signs of ‘falling in love’. The patterns observed by those participants in the study who did consume the food closely correlated to the state of being in love, even when the chocolate was later removed.

“It seems that the chocolate encourages false feelings to emerge. What’s not clear is whether the ‘love’ is directed toward the device or what is being presented upon the device,” she says, “Or if it is not directed at anything in particular. What is clear is that the consumption of food in conjunction with leisure activities creates an artificial world in which the participant experiences unreasonable feelings toward inanimate objects and greatly increases the chance that they will demonstrate unreasonable emotions in relation to that device.”

The study rose from an observation regarding divorcees, that in a proportionally significant number of cases, one or both of the divorcees had trouble relating to the real world as determined by an online psychological test.

“We’re not talking huge percentages, but they are significant. Ten to fifteen percent based upon a study done in Amsterdam. Marriages are only one victim of this kind of dissonance between reality and one’s emotions,” she goes on to say, “If I can demonstrate that humans are ‘loving’ their devices more than other humans, or objectophilia, then we’ve got a real problem on our hands. The normal human emotions of love, compassion and empathy should be applied to other humans, not electronic devices.”

When asked whether she recommends people stop eating chocolate while watching television, Doctor Richwell is cautious, “No, I don’t think that’s the answer. That would be a simplistic solution to what is really a complex problem. I believe the real problem is understanding and controlling one’s emotions, putting more effort into researching whether particular content is what is evoking such a response and what the long term effects of such disorders may be on the person, their families and the greater community. Whether or not there should be legislation to prevent such interactions, that is not for me to say.”

Doctor Richwell avoided answering questions about whether providers were deliberately altering their content to take advantage of the amorous response. She says that while it is entirely possible, and even plausible, that such companies could have found a formula to produce such sensations and keep their audiences ‘hooked’, her scientific research does not hold enough data to draw any conclusions.

“I’m a scientist, not an activist,” she says, “I can only show you what I have found, nothing more.”

The Sweet Smell of Silence

Sufferers of parcopresis, the inability to defecate for fear of privacy, can now budge their issues easier. Hotoa Industries of Quebec have released a new design of toilet bowl that will muffle the sound of falling faeces and the resulting sonics of the splash.

The bowl uses a patented design involving a sophisticated set of baffles designed to disperse, muffle and reflect the sound of all goings-on within the bowl, resulting in a more private poop.

“This is ground-breaking,” says Marius Ferrare, Senior Engineer and designer of the Shhpoop Toilet Bowl, “This invention will reduce the rates of constipation and subsequently save industry many millions of dollars in time off and time wasted waiting for others to vacate a shared toilet area.”

Statistics show that more than one in ten people suffer from “toilet shyness”, a condition that can be exacerbated by echoing cubicles and toilets located close to high foot-traffic areas. As a result, Marius explains, people who have parcopresis often take a long time to finish their business, or hold on until they can return to the privacy of their own home.

“It’s a real concern. We toyed with introducing a sound reduction system inside the cubicle but this was both ineffective and hard to standardise. Since most cubicles are open at the top and bottom, there was no way to ensure the sound would not propagate. The bowl, however, presents an almost entirely closed and much more predictable system,” he says, “Based on this, we focused our attentions on redesigning the bowl.”

The resulting product, looking similar to a toilet with turbo-chargers attached, costs only a tenth more than a standard ceramic issue and can reduce the overall noise by thirteen decibels on average, depending on the posture of the patron.

“This is a significant reduction. It’s like the difference between someone talking and someone mumbling. Combined with ambient background noise, this device would eliminate the need to cough to cover up tell-tale signs,” he says, “We shall see that the Shpoop will become the new normal for offices and shopping malls.”

The company is expected to release the bowl to the market later this year and is already making plans to design a similar device that would retrofit existing bowls.

Sweet Dreams

The quality of chocolate one consumes before bedtime is linked to the quality of one’s dreams, according to new research by Doctor Fiusse Moore, Director of Nocturnal Studies at Pennsylvania Institute of Health and Wellbeing.

It has been known for quite some time that chocolate induces endorphin, a chemical messenger that acts to calm and instill state of happiness. Now Doctor Moore’s research reveals that this translates into better dreams.

“We engaged a batch of subjects over the course of two months, one on a cheaper chocolate, one on an expensive brand and one on a chocolate scented placebo. The results were consistent that those who consumed chocolate had more positive dreams than those who did not, and those who consumed the higher grade chocolate had a a higher number and quality of dream overall,” he says, “We’re looking at an overall rate, on our scale, of 34% better dreams for those who eat chocolate, with a 12% difference between high quality and low quality chocolate.”

The determination of ‘quality’ is broken down into points for satisfaction, persistence, emotional response, relevance, vividness and excitement. Each category was assessed individually, along with combining the weighted scores into an overall ranking.

“Yes, it is subjective, which is why we took such a large testing sample. I would not call (the results) conclusive, not without further analysis on variables like the subject’s occupation and family situation, but overall I think there is merit in prescribing chocolate, even in pill form, for those suffering from chronic sleep ailments,” he explains, “We have a lot of information regarding quality of sleep, but not so much in terms of quality of dreams. Considering REM makes up about 25%, or one quarter, of our normal sleep activity, I contest that the quality of dreams will affect the quality of sleep.”

Subjects were given a diary to record their dreams, and encouraged to rate them as soon as possible. While the quality of dreams was shown, overall, to rise for chocolate consumers, the rate of actually remembering dreams (persistence) along with the vividness remained constant.

His next studies will focus on how the quality of dreams affects daily activity, and also to investigate foods that have the opposite affect in a bid to see exactly how one’s diet affects their dreams.ChesterLogoSmall

Hats off to your brain

Wearing a close fitting hat is a way to decrease one’s intelligence, according to Manfred Toule and his team of scientists. In a study involving more than five hundred candidates, the figures show that wearing and not wearing a hat creates a noticeable change in the apparent IQ.

“We had our candidates perform a set of tests over several days. Some wore hats first, others wore hats second, some wore none at all,” he says, “Those who wore no head-wear deomnstrated a relatively constant IQ. Those who wore hats, however, had an almost consistent 13% decrease in their apparent IQ on the days when their heads were covered.”

The teams first embarked on the research after they noticed that, in a separate study involving hair and intelligence, those with less on top tended to have more up top.

“The theory is that the brain, being so large in the human body, requires a very temperature regulated environment. One of the reasons we perspire so much, for example, and have such a large surface area on our head, is to shed the excess heat. Our cooling ability works quite well, so the ambient temperature normally doesn’t play a significant role in our ability to think.”

Tight or insulated head-wear, though, changes the way the body regulates its temperature and, as a result, the cranial temperature increases and this, he says, appears to be the main reason for the drop in intelligence.

“We have also experimented with the type of hat. Large, open space hats, like top-hats or stove-pipe hats, don’t exhibit as severe a drop, whereas woolen beanies, caps and ushankas all push the IQ down.”

Manfred has enlisted a design engineer to create a head cooling apparatus to see if a drop in cranial temperature results in a change in IQ, also.

“If it turns out that there is an optimal temperature for thinking, we may soon see a market for devices like this in offices, laboratories, anywhere that requires brain power. And why not? Athletes have specialised clothes to ensure their body runs efficiently, why not intellectuals?”

Manfred’s research is expected to be completed next year.

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Guan de Fangshi – The Way of the Tube

Getting pernickety about your poop is all the rage. “Guan de fangshi” or “The Way of the Tube”, is the latest fad to hit health-nuts. According to Kim Lee, proponent of the new health regime, Guan Fangshi is about controlling when, where and how you defecate in a bid to remove harmful sha chi and si chi from your system.

“The Western Lifestyle is so rushed, so frenetic that the one of the most important parts of the Cycle is often neglected. We know from ancient traditions that controlling the way food enters the body is just as important as controlling the way it is removed,” she says, “By denying your bowels their chance to ruminate upon the passing waste, you deny the time necessary to fully remove the harmful toxins and chi that lingers in your system.”

The centuries-old practice was once the domain of a Guanzi, a Tube-Sayer, who would be responsible for educating youngsters on the proper way to defecate. The movement is all about the quality of a Session – Kim’s polite term for a visit to the John – and seeks to align not only colons, but chakras as well. Lee goes on to show how modern scientific analysis is already agreeing with the results.

“This blend of Eastern and Western Medicine goes a long way to solving many of the ailments of, not only the colon and rectum, but the entire digestive system and the rest of the body. Since it is all connected, fixing an issue in the lower bowel can have knock-on effects, and we often have people telling us that, since they have committed to Guan Fangshi, their asthma, lethargy and even diabetes have disappeared,” she says, “In conjunction with acupuncture and meditation, this should not be seen as a radical thing, rather it should become part of daily life. Every Session is special.”

Kim Lee is writing a book about Guan de Fangshi and how we can all benefit from having calm, proper Sessions.ChesterLogoSmall

Watch out Below, it’s ‘Para-poo’!

Researchers in Belgrade have been spending their days throwing faeces out of drones. In a recent release, the team has revealed their preliminary findings pertaining to one’s diet and the aerodynamics of poo.

Says Yuri Asmorov, “You’d be surprised the amount of defecation that is released from flying vehicles every year. Some of the more solid masses can reach a high velocity and may even cause destruction. Others, the more loosely held stools that is, are dispersed readily, which we fear may contribute to the spread of faeces-borne diseases.”

He goes on to cite the recent outbreak of dysentery caused by a particular strain of protozoa that was shown to be only available inside the gut of humans.

“The only way that strain could have covered such a large area is if it (the faeces carrying the protozoa) was blown into a kind of aerosol. Looking at the flight pattern of the aircraft, we can see that it’s very close to the official path of many jetliners.”

The team is now divided into groups, each eating a particular diet known to affect the style, substance and consistency of faeces. Each member’s sample is collected and sent up in a drone to various heights, and the final speed, scattering, area-coverage and ‘splat’ is recorded by high-speed cameras.

“The vertical drop test is already showing promise. We need to step it up and try various combinations of speed, wind, humidity and the like. We are considering using a wind-tunnel to facilitate this, but so far we have not been able to convince an operator to let us use one.”

Yuri and his crew will continue the tests and present their full findings next year.

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