Think Smaller

In a recent study, researchers at Kern County have found that a larger brain isn’t necessarily a ‘better’ brain.

“Based looking at the quantity of brain mass, both in weight and volume, of individuals and comparing it with their various responses to tests, we have determined that a smaller, denser brain processes information at a faster rate,” says Eric Walhelm, head researcher at Brain and Lung Studies, “The capacity, learning ability and other factors are not affected as much, with no distinct determining factor found among our testing criteria.”

A 5.0% reduction in synapse distance, for example, corresponds to a 2.5% increase in speed from node to node, which manifests as a 7.4% overall increase in speed of thought.

When quizzed as to why this might be the case, he was reluctant to say, “There are too many variables to call this conclusive. All we know is that our preliminary analysis shows a negative correlation between brain volume and speed of thought. Like having shorter roads, you can travel at the same speed and get to your destination faster.”

Pressed further, he suggested that a reduced physical distance between operational synapses allows for less ‘travel time’ of electrical impulses, and therefore faster overall responses. This has led to some speculation that new ‘mind-shrinking’ drugs may be on the cards for investigation, those that boost density by shrinking the volume.ChesterLogoSmall

New Zealand to Annex Australia

An intensive, three year long investigation has yielded a surprising result: The country of Australia should be considered a state of New Zealand.

The counter-intuitive conclusion of Maxwell Foreman’s thesis pertaining to Geological and Tectonic Boundaries and Established Political Regions shows that, while most of the countries follow an implied pattern, Australia and New Zealand are large exceptions.

“The problem appears that, since Australia and New Zealand have been colonised only very recently, in the grand scheme of history, there hasn’t been enough time for the usual flexing of borders to align with the Earth’s natural boundaries,” says Maxwell.

He goes on to say that while there are many such examples where the political climate has had more influence than the natural, the Australia-New Zealand situation is unique.

“New Zealand is essentially an archipalego with Wellington sitting almost perfectly on the arithmetic mean and, surprisingly, the mass of Australia is, geologically speaking, merely an island of that cluster,” he states, “Given time, we might find that Australia will be absorbed into the nation of New Zealand.”ChesterLogoSmall