This is Not Cthulu

Captain Art O’Callaghan has played down suggestions that his crew has found ‘Cthulu’. Referring to the mythical creature created by author H. P. Lovecraft, a sonar image taken by his trench-mapping team in the Atlantic ocean shows what appears to be an enormous octopus-like creature.

When asked about the image, he denies that it is anything but ordinary, despite its likeness to mythical creatures such as the Kraken, a legendary giant octopus.

Structure, not creature,” he stresses, “We don’t know if it’s biological in nature, we don’t know if it’s moving. It’s one frame out of a thousand others that we’ve taken, and I’m not about to go calling it something it’s not. It could be an anomaly, a pocket of bubbles or an underwater mountain crest covered in algae. We just don’t know.”

A communications operator, who has refused to be named, contradicts him, “Nonsense. This is top-notch equipment that can take sonar, thermal and infra-red images of extremely deep-sea trenches. Coupled with the raw image is advanced processing and noise filtering. Anomalies or shadows like he’s suggestion just don’t happen. There is something there, and that’s that. I’ve checked it, like, five times, and it’s about 750 metres in diameter, whatever it is.”

When asked if he would be returning to the ‘Cthulu Trench’, as it is known among his crew, Captain O’Callaghan is firm, “I’m employed to do a job, and I’m doing it, end of story. We’ve got another two months worth of sweeping to do, weather permitting. The trenches won’t map themselves.”ChesterLogoSmall

Flashing Personality

A remarkable discovery has been revealed from a ten month long investigation into cars and personalities. The speed of a car’s indicators reflects the personality of the owner.

“We have found that the rate of flash is proportional to the impulsiveness of the driver. More cautious drivers tend to have a slower flash rate,” says Freda Ghert, Lead Officer of the study at Long Beach Market Research.

In a bid to see what motivates customers to buy certain cars, Freda and her team have been probing in the psyche of vehicle owners and pairing the data with facts about their car.

“If I were a salesman, I’d look very carefully at the results of this study. Many of the findings are intuitive, many more are not,” she says, “The indicator speed is not the only correlation discovered, but it certainly is up there with the most surprising.”

Long Beach Market Research is looking to apply their new knowledge to develop an app to quickly determine the likely type of car a customer may want to purchase.ChesterLogoSmall