Talk like a Neanderthal

Ronald Treharn, of the Society of Ancestors, has released his latest breakthrough detailing the language, complete with grammar and pronunciation, of Neanderthals.

“We know that they have lips and tongues, and we know the shape of their mouths, their brains and their ears. Based on this, and cultures throughout the world, I have developed a form of linguistics that I believe accurately depicts their speech,” he says, “Don’t think of the speech as perfect sentences, rather an expression of abstract ideas.”

When asked for a sample, Ronald obliges, “The shortest and most common terms would be for shouting. Ba! – which means food – and Mek! – which means bad, or watch out – are short and unambiguous . Thus, Ger, a noise made at the back of the throat meaning sex, is for personal, quiet use.”

He goes on to explain that the meanings behind words would certainly be phonetically based. Words formed at the front of the mouth were more imperative than those formed at the back, for example, while guttural sounds contained an emphasis on the self.

“They would not have used the voiceless sibilant (s – sound). It was reserved for hushing a child or indicating surprise, rather than acting as part of a word. This leads to a further theory of mine that words were pronounced in a staccato fashion, each syllable enunciated with care. We can see that, because of the way the jaw is formed, and the apparent length of the tongue, lip-attitude is more important to the formation of words,” he says, “Thus Der-der would be an idiot or a dullard, while Wow means something wonderful.”

When pressed, he admitted, “I do think that there is a crossover from Neanderthal language to ancient languages, and these have carried through from the basic, grunts and utterances, all the way through the thousands of generations to today.”

Treharn is currently working on a book, detailing the language and its grammar.ChesterLogoSmall

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Ghost Hunting a Science

Following on from television shows like ‘Ghost Hunters‘ and books like ‘Paranormology‘, the hunt for ghosts and research into the spiritual realm is set to lose its pseudoscience badge in favour of a degree.

Students at the University of Mount Gambier in South Australia can now choose to become official Paranormologists. With the aim to make Paranormology as commonplace as geography or astronomy, the University is trialing the course over the next few years.

“The first few subjects deal with scientific methodology, the importance of thoroughly recording observations and peer review. Once the students have a grounding in the accepted practices, they then move on to equipment, practical training and observation techniques,” says Doctor Sue Rochester, “The word ‘ghost’ doesn’t even appear in any recommended text books until the third year.”

Unproven methodologies such as clairvoyance and seances are not part of the curriculum, says Sue, although they are addressed in the subjects of hoaxes.

“As a scientist working in a field that naturally attracts charlatanism, it’s important to know how to remain objective, how to spot human interference, how to use scientific analysis to rule out trickery.”

The Paranormology course is being piloted with a view for expanding into other fields, such as Cryptozoology and Ufology.