The Sweet Smell of Silence

Sufferers of parcopresis, the inability to defecate for fear of privacy, can now budge their issues easier. Hotoa Industries of Quebec have released a new design of toilet bowl that will muffle the sound of falling faeces and the resulting sonics of the splash.

The bowl uses a patented design involving a sophisticated set of baffles designed to disperse, muffle and reflect the sound of all goings-on within the bowl, resulting in a more private poop.

“This is ground-breaking,” says Marius Ferrare, Senior Engineer and designer of the Shhpoop Toilet Bowl, “This invention will reduce the rates of constipation and subsequently save industry many millions of dollars in time off and time wasted waiting for others to vacate a shared toilet area.”

Statistics show that more than one in ten people suffer from “toilet shyness”, a condition that can be exacerbated by echoing cubicles and toilets located close to high foot-traffic areas. As a result, Marius explains, people who have parcopresis often take a long time to finish their business, or hold on until they can return to the privacy of their own home.

“It’s a real concern. We toyed with introducing a sound reduction system inside the cubicle but this was both ineffective and hard to standardise. Since most cubicles are open at the top and bottom, there was no way to ensure the sound would not propagate. The bowl, however, presents an almost entirely closed and much more predictable system,” he says, “Based on this, we focused our attentions on redesigning the bowl.”

The resulting product, looking similar to a toilet with turbo-chargers attached, costs only a tenth more than a standard ceramic issue and can reduce the overall noise by thirteen decibels on average, depending on the posture of the patron.

“This is a significant reduction. It’s like the difference between someone talking and someone mumbling. Combined with ambient background noise, this device would eliminate the need to cough to cover up tell-tale signs,” he says, “We shall see that the Shpoop will become the new normal for offices and shopping malls.”

The company is expected to release the bowl to the market later this year and is already making plans to design a similar device that would retrofit existing bowls.

Hats off to your brain

Wearing a close fitting hat is a way to decrease one’s intelligence, according to Manfred Toule and his team of scientists. In a study involving more than five hundred candidates, the figures show that wearing and not wearing a hat creates a noticeable change in the apparent IQ.

“We had our candidates perform a set of tests over several days. Some wore hats first, others wore hats second, some wore none at all,” he says, “Those who wore no head-wear deomnstrated a relatively constant IQ. Those who wore hats, however, had an almost consistent 13% decrease in their apparent IQ on the days when their heads were covered.”

The teams first embarked on the research after they noticed that, in a separate study involving hair and intelligence, those with less on top tended to have more up top.

“The theory is that the brain, being so large in the human body, requires a very temperature regulated environment. One of the reasons we perspire so much, for example, and have such a large surface area on our head, is to shed the excess heat. Our cooling ability works quite well, so the ambient temperature normally doesn’t play a significant role in our ability to think.”

Tight or insulated head-wear, though, changes the way the body regulates its temperature and, as a result, the cranial temperature increases and this, he says, appears to be the main reason for the drop in intelligence.

“We have also experimented with the type of hat. Large, open space hats, like top-hats or stove-pipe hats, don’t exhibit as severe a drop, whereas woolen beanies, caps and ushankas all push the IQ down.”

Manfred has enlisted a design engineer to create a head cooling apparatus to see if a drop in cranial temperature results in a change in IQ, also.

“If it turns out that there is an optimal temperature for thinking, we may soon see a market for devices like this in offices, laboratories, anywhere that requires brain power. And why not? Athletes have specialised clothes to ensure their body runs efficiently, why not intellectuals?”

Manfred’s research is expected to be completed next year.

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